desperate madness

*is it just me, or is anyone else having problems uploading pictures to blogger?? for some reason it won't give me the option to upload from my computer. i guess the pictures will have to wait. sorry folks. now back to your irregularly scheduled reading.*

Sometimes life throws curveballs (quite often, in my case). Too bad I'm no good at catching them; I'm still trying to learn that necessary life skill! I must admit that I am grateful for this difficult season because it has deepened my relationship with God. The intimacy I share with Him is what sustains me through each long day.

Here is what is really going on in my life: Work is currently eating my lunch. There are many nights I come home from work and go straight to bed (because I'm old and I need rest). I work late pretty much every day - and I've had an 11 or 12 hour day once a week for the last three weeks now. I find that ironic because that was a major reason I left the accounting firm two and a half years ago: I didn't want to work so many hours. Since I've been here, I have worked more hours than I did there and have much greater responsibility (i.e. burden) than I did before. I never wanted a career to take over my life, and yet my current job is all-consuming. I'm confused, God.

I put school on hold again. Like, two months ago. I desperately want to finish my degree so I can pursue what God has put on my heart. That's when I am reminded that if He truly wants that for my life He will work it out. In His timing - not mine.

I have no idea where I will be or what my life will look like three months from now and that scares me. But its okay that it scares me because God shows me in the midst of the fear that He is greater. It's okay that I can't figure my life out or make a fail-proof plan that will function flawlessly and deliver on schedule. That's not my job, and God is so faithful to remind me of that.

I have great opportunity to "cast all my cares on Him" and let go of worry (I said let go, Lauren!). I get to learn what stress does to my body and how to stop it (yes, please!). I am letting go and trying to be okay with facing the unknown.

Some days, I am okay with it - usually on the weekends when I can escape the madness. Other times, I am not. It's a process for me, and probably a longer process than it should be because I am so stubborn.