I wrote the following post for myself. I thought it would help me process and remember the events surrounding my great-grandpa's passing.
Friday, December 16, 2011 - My aunt (Dad’s sister) called me as I was getting ready for work. She said Grandad had a really bad night in the hospital. They had to do CPR and put him on a respirator. Aunt Debbie said she and Uncle Don (the youngest brother) were going to the hospital and asked if I wanted to go with them. I said yes. Then I called my dad and told him that I thought he needed to come down. I didn’t know what to expect when I got to the hospital, but I didn’t want Dad to be 6 hours away from his hero.
We got to the hospital and found Grandad awake and cognizant. We all gave him a hug and were talking to him when the Palliative Care Team came in. I thought the doctors were very professional and understanding and I was very grateful for the care they provided. They kept talking about how impressed they were that Grandma and Grandad had been married for 72 years. They wanted to know who we were and where we were from. Then they told us that Grandad was dying. He had COPD and bronchitis. He had fluid on his lungs and was not exchanging oxygen very well; his heart and lungs were giving out. They said he had a few weeks, maybe a month left. They asked him where he wanted to spend his last days and said they could make him as comfortable as possible and send him home to let hospice take care of him. They said that the family should stay close by in the next few weeks. I couldn’t stop the tears from falling as we talked about his options. I watched Grandma sitting at his side and saw Grandad catch her eye and wink at her. They were such a cute couple, it just didn’t seem right that she would have to go on without him. I heard the emotion in Aunt Jody’s voice as she said that she just didn’t want her dad to suffer. The doctors assured us that they would make sure he was comfortable. There was laughter and more tears as Grandad told the doctors that he just wanted to be buried out on his farm somewhere. He didn’t talk much because it was a struggle for him to even breathe and it was very frustrating for him that people weren’t able to understand him. I watched him say something to the doctor and then point at his wife. The doctor said “You are a very blessed man.” Grandad was smiling with pride.
The doctors left us to think about the options and decide how to proceed with hospice. I stepped out to call Mom and Dad and let them know what the doctors said. Dad said he was on the road, but was only in Kansas City. I wondered what the next few weeks would be like…especially with Christmas coming.
Uncle Tony took Grandma Mills and Aunt Jody to the cafeteria to get something to eat. Aunt Debbie volunteered me to sit at Grandad’s bedside and hold his hand while Grandma was gone. I didn’t feel like the right person for the job, but I sat down and took his hand. Uncle Don sat at the other side of the bed. I didn’t know what to say to Grandad since I am not good at chit chat in emotional situations like that. I knew it was difficult for him to talk anyway, so I mostly just sat there and held his hand, hoping he might feel a little better knowing that someone was there with him. He would speak occasionally, and I would try to interpret what he said. Even if I couldn’t understand, I nodded my head and smiled, knowing that he would only get frustrated if I asked him to repeat himself.
I got a text from my brother who was at an intense 2-day tournament. He said “Tell grandad I’m missin him today…I’m wrestlin with him in my head and his name on my ankles today.” More tears fell. I told Grandad that Christopher was wrestling and was thinking of him. Grandad perked up and said “Is he gonna beat ‘em?” I smiled and said, “Well, I don’t know…it’s a really tough competition. He did really well last week, though. He got first place!” Grandad smiled and I cried.
We told him the doctors said he could go home in the next day or so. He mentioned a nursing home and said they could take care of him. I asked if that’s where he wanted to go. He weakly said “I don’t know” and shook his head. I squeezed his hand and said “It’s okay, you don’t have to know. We will just take you home and then if you want to go to a nursing home you can. We don’t have to decide everything right now.” He seemed overwhelmed by trying to make a decision.
When Aunt Debbie asked him where he wanted to take his last breath, he said “I don’t know. I guess I never thought I would die.” Aunt Debbie said “You mean you thought Jesus would come back and just take us all to heaven?” Grandad nodded. We all agreed and said we felt the same way. I smiled through the tears.
When the others came back from lunch, I resumed my place by the window. I was unaware of the time and can’t recall everything that happened, but Tony, Don, and Jody were out in the hall. Aunt Debbie was by Grandad’s bedside, I was looking at a magazine, and Grandma Mills had just walked back in the room when I heard Aunt Debbie say “Grandad?” The tone of her voice made me look up and I saw that he did not respond. My heart felt like it was caught in my throat as I moved to the bed. I looked at his face and into his eyes and in that moment I knew it was happening. Grandad was leaving us. Aunt Debbie told Grandma to come hold his hand and talk to him. She had tried calling the nurse but couldn’t get a response and told me to get Jody.
How do I do this?? I stepped into the hall and told Jody that Deb wanted her. I followed her into the room. As I stood at the foot of the bed I thought
You can’t go yet…Daddy is not here. He wants to say goodbye. You have to wait, Grandad. Then I remembered Tony and Don in the hallway. I went out and beckoned them inside without saying anything. Jody went for a nurse but there was no one at the nurse’s station. We all stood around his bed and watched him. He went so fast, and without a struggle. I remember looking at the clock because I wanted to know what time it was - 1:45pm.
I couldn’t believe he was gone already. He didn’t even say goodbye, he just slipped away. It was my first time to watch someone die. I hadn’t planned on being there when he passed away, and I couldn’t help asking God why I was there and my dad wasn’t. Then my heart sank as I realized that I had to call my dad and tell him. That was one of the hardest phone calls I have ever had to make. Half an hour passed before I could dial his number, and all of my attempts at composure were worthless. I’m sure the chaplain thought I was an emotional wreck…I don’t know how many tissues I went through. Dad was two hours too late. Then I called Mom; she said my brother was getting ready for his first match.
The tears in the eyes of my family made my own tears fall even faster. It is so hard for me to see other people hurting; I wish I could be stronger in situations like that, but I only seem to be good at weeping with those who weep.
December 21, 2011 - The funeral was beautiful and the church was packed. I hope I can leave an amazing legacy someday, too.
