it's going to be okay

Okay, Lauren…you can do this…just start writing…deep breath…

It has been so hard for me to sit down and try to write something on here. My life has changed so much there is no way I could ever begin to recap everything that’s happened in the last few months. I think I’m writing this more for me than for anyone else…besides I don’t think anyone checks this anymore. I’m trying to sort through the disappointments and heartache, so if anyone does read this, please bear with me.

The last year of my life has been the hardest, scariest, and most painful year that I have ever experienced. The world I used to know has ceased to exist and I find myself living on what seems to be a new planet, with memories of my now so distant past. I’m such a different person than I was when I moved a year ago. I’ve experienced a lot of new things, and I don’t yet see how they have been good for me.

When I surrendered everything to Jesus and told Him He could turn my world upside down, I had no idea that that was what He was going to do. Note to self: be prepared next time!!!

Surrender…

I’ve discovered that surrender not only means giving up what we want, but it also means accepting what we don’t want. I never thought that following God would lead me into darkness, but sometimes God takes us to places we don’t want to be.

I had my life all planned out…what a silly girl I was. I’m still trying to give up all those plans and just let God take over. Little by little, He is prying my stubborn fingers open.

I find myself standing in the middle of all the broken pieces of my life. I never planned on this heartache, but now I’m discovering that you can’t live and breathe on this earth and escape pain. I guess all this time I thought I would be safe from it. Follow God, trust Him, yield everything to Him, and everything’s going to be great. Sort of a “vaccine” against pain and broken dreams. Then when it comes crashing in, I discover I not immune to it after all. No matter how hard I try, or how good of a Christian I am, I can’t have a picture perfect life.

“The best things in life are the result of being wounded…it is a broken heart that pleases God…the steps of faith often lead to total uncertainty or even darkness and disaster, but the Lord will open the way and often makes the darkest of midnight hours as bright as the dawning of the day.” ~Streams in the Desert

The heartache, sorrow, and brokenness are here for a reason, Lauren. God’s holding on to you, He won’t let you fall. He’s going to get you through this. He promised. Just keep hanging on…