my only chance

In my devotion a few days ago, I had a revelation. I don’t know why I have never had this perspective before, but I guess I had just never really thought about it this way:

This life here on earth is my only chance to suffer for Christ.

I’ve been longing for heaven because there won’t be any more pain or suffering, but that also means that my only chance to do something for Christ is here on this planet. I’m not talking about trying to earn my salvation, but when I get to heaven, I want to be able to have something to lay at the feet of Jesus. I want my God to say “Well done, Lauren. I’m proud of you for carrying your cross.”

Not even the angels get the chance to live on earth and suffer for God. That is for us humans alone. Can I not endure it for this brief life? What is suffering on earth compared to eternity in fellowship with God?

If you, with impatience, give up your cross,
You will not find it in this world again;
Nor in another, but here and here alone
Is given for you to suffer for God’s sake.
In the next world we may more perfectly
Love Him and serve Him, praise Him,
Grow nearer and nearer to Him with delight.
But then we will not anymore
Be called to suffer, which is our assignment here.
Can you not suffer, then, one hour or two?
If He should call you from your cross today,
Saying, “It is finished—that hard cross of yours
From which you pray for deliverance,”
Do you not think that some emotion of regret
Would overcome you? You would say
“So soon? Let me go back and suffer yet awhile
More patiently. I have not yet praised God.”
So whenever it comes, that summons we all look for
It will seem soon, too soon. Let us take heed in life
That God may now be glorified in us.

~From "Streams in the Desert"

it's going to be okay

Okay, Lauren…you can do this…just start writing…deep breath…

It has been so hard for me to sit down and try to write something on here. My life has changed so much there is no way I could ever begin to recap everything that’s happened in the last few months. I think I’m writing this more for me than for anyone else…besides I don’t think anyone checks this anymore. I’m trying to sort through the disappointments and heartache, so if anyone does read this, please bear with me.

The last year of my life has been the hardest, scariest, and most painful year that I have ever experienced. The world I used to know has ceased to exist and I find myself living on what seems to be a new planet, with memories of my now so distant past. I’m such a different person than I was when I moved a year ago. I’ve experienced a lot of new things, and I don’t yet see how they have been good for me.

When I surrendered everything to Jesus and told Him He could turn my world upside down, I had no idea that that was what He was going to do. Note to self: be prepared next time!!!

Surrender…

I’ve discovered that surrender not only means giving up what we want, but it also means accepting what we don’t want. I never thought that following God would lead me into darkness, but sometimes God takes us to places we don’t want to be.

I had my life all planned out…what a silly girl I was. I’m still trying to give up all those plans and just let God take over. Little by little, He is prying my stubborn fingers open.

I find myself standing in the middle of all the broken pieces of my life. I never planned on this heartache, but now I’m discovering that you can’t live and breathe on this earth and escape pain. I guess all this time I thought I would be safe from it. Follow God, trust Him, yield everything to Him, and everything’s going to be great. Sort of a “vaccine” against pain and broken dreams. Then when it comes crashing in, I discover I not immune to it after all. No matter how hard I try, or how good of a Christian I am, I can’t have a picture perfect life.

“The best things in life are the result of being wounded…it is a broken heart that pleases God…the steps of faith often lead to total uncertainty or even darkness and disaster, but the Lord will open the way and often makes the darkest of midnight hours as bright as the dawning of the day.” ~Streams in the Desert

The heartache, sorrow, and brokenness are here for a reason, Lauren. God’s holding on to you, He won’t let you fall. He’s going to get you through this. He promised. Just keep hanging on…

an over-due update

Where do I even start? I’ve now been at my new job for over a month, and what an interesting experience it has been! The first few days were really rough, and to be honest, I was afraid I had made a mistake in taking the job. They told me that now is the worst possible time to start working at an accounting firm, and I totally believe them. Now, in case you think I’m an adventurous person, let me clarify. I know I worked in retail during the holiday season, and now I’m in accounting during tax season, but believe me, it’s not because I like taking chances and risking my health and sanity. It’s totally a God-thing, because trust me, I never would have chosen this for myself! I don’t like trying new things, and I’m not one of those dare-devil, wonder-what-would-happen-if-I-did-this people. Congrats and prayers to those of you who are, but I’m not. Because of my determined (or stubborn) nature, I can tough it out and accept a challenge, so I decided that even though I felt completely inadequate at my new job, I would give it my best and die trying. (Seriously, at one point, I said “God, just take me now!”) So here I am and in 11 more days it will all be over. My job will probably be totally different then. By the way people, don’t wait until the last minute to get your taxes done, and then get upset that they have to file an extension. And I know you are dying to know how soon your accountant can get them ready, but don’t call and call and call because the secretary who answers the phone is in the middle of a dozen different things and the accountant can’t take every client’s call because they would never get anything done. Also, it’s not a bad idea to take some donuts or cookies by their office, or you could even be creative and give them some candy bars and say “We are thinking of you during crunch time!” Trust me, they will love you forever.

My new co-workers seem to like me…or maybe I should say they like giving me a hard time lol. First of all, they found out I was from Oklahoma (Boomer Sooner!!!), then they found out I am Baptist (most of them are Catholic), and then they found out I was homeschooled…so they are always teasing me about something, but I think they secretly like me in spite of everything else they might say. ;)

We’ve been working on our house a lot lately. Between a full time job and remodeling a house, I am basically never home so I don’t have time to do things like blog, email, etc. lol! I leave the house at 7:30am and sometimes don’t get home until 8:30 or 9pm. I’m pretty much tired all the time, and never really feel like doing anything else. I find myself wishing I could just go home and crawl in bed.

I’m still working in the youth group on Wednesday nights at church. We are finishing up True Love Waits with the junior high girls. It’s been fun, and I’ve gotten to know them a lot better. I also recently started a Bible study with the high school girls, so I’m pretty much maxed-out right now. I sometimes feel like I’ve overcommitted myself, but I feel like this is why God brought me up here, so I’m trusting that His grace is enough to get me through. I would appreciate prayers! :)

I hope to be more consistent with my blogging, but we’ll see how that goes! Blessings to you!!!

Randomness...

I love ice skating...I'm fighting a cold...I thought the work day would never end...I'm ready for winter to be over, especially the "winter" in my life...I love my junior high girls...I need to start packing and going through stuff again...I'm tired...I miss my dog who is back home...that's not my home anymore, I need to get over it...less than 10 months until Christmas...today was one of my "I-don't-want-to-say-anything-I-just-want-to-be-quiet" days...I hate starting new things...I'm scared of the unknown...I still have candy left from Valentine's Day...I've been craving my prayer times with God...

I got it!!

Well, I got the job! I was finally able to interview today; he has been so busy with clients that he couldn't get me in before today. It was an easy interview (which I was grateful for after the hour-and-a-half interrogation I had a month ago!). It seems like a good accounting firm to work for, and although I haven't met all of my new coworkers, they seem very welcoming. I'm excited, relieved, and nervous all at the same time. After my interview, I stopped by my current workplace to give my manager my notice. I told my mom I was more nervous about that than the interview. I didn't think my manager would take the news very well, but I prayed, and was pleasantly surprised! She was very nice and was genuinely excited for me, but let me know that they would miss me. She said I don't have to give a full two weeks notice, so next week will be my last week there, and I'll start my accounting job on Monday, March 2. Whew. What a relief! By the way, I got this job after looking for 2 months and getting turned down 19 times. Oh yeah, and six months ago today was my first day on the job up here in my new world...

Other news: we closed on our house a week ago, and have started cleaning it. We will be doing some minor repairs, and as of now, are planning to move in the end of April. Does it ever seem to you like everything happens all at once???

Oh yes, I had to share these pics with you! I was babysitting on Valentine's Day because our church was having a marriage seminar at the church. Since I love photography and the kids were really cute, I took my camera along, and since I love photography and the kids were really cute lol, I thought I would show you some of my fav pics of them. Did I mention the kids are cute??

The Fiery Trial

February 10, 2007: I’ll never forget that day. I still remember what I was wearing. We were celebrating birthdays with family members, and had finished eating dinner when we got the call: our house was on fire. The 45 minute drive home was pure torture for me as I wondered what we would find when we got there. It’s a picture that is forever ingrained in my memory. The countryside was dark, but our house and yard was lit up by the three big fire trucks sitting in our driveway with lights still flashing, and the bright spotlights they had aimed at our house. My house. The spotlights cast eerie shadows on the bare timbers that used to be hidden by a roof. We had to shout above the noise of the generator. It was rather traumatic, especially for my little sister who wouldn’t get out of the car. The firemen said we could go in, so with a deep breath, I followed my mom into the house. The strong, heavy smell of smoke would have been suffocating if there had not been a huge, gaping hole in our roof to allow the cool, night air in. As I walked up the soggy stairs covered in insulation and packed with ashes, I remember looking up and seeing the bright shining stars in the dark sky. I fought back tears as I surveyed the disaster area. I couldn’t stop shaking. The firemen then explained that the ashes could smolder overnight and catch fire again, so we should get out whatever was valuable to us. I started throwing clothes in a bag, and trying to gather up my treasured possessions, and I think that’s when it hit me: I am homeless.

Kids, this is why you should always keep your room clean lol! Actually, their room didn't look this bad before the fire, we kinda trashed it while digging through stuff.

It was bitterly cold that week. We had to dig through stuff while there were snow flurries coming down. I had about 5 layers on in this picture.

We had to dig through the pile of ashes, boards, and insulation that the firemen threw out the window. The pile had toys, bedsheets, and other belongings in it.

My sister kept this Bible; she cleaned it off and dried it out with a hair dryer. And yes, it still smells like smoke!

Apparently, this clock stopped at the time the fire started.

The days that followed the fire were probably the most difficult of my life up to that point. The hardest part about it was that I felt like I had no one to talk to. My dad was across the world in another country, so my mom had to carry the weight of it all by herself, dealing with insurance, cleaners, moving, and more. I didn’t feel the freedom to talk to her, because I felt like I was supposed to be there for her, and help her carry the burden. She had to comfort the other kids, so I believed it was my duty to be strong for her. Many days, she was the only reason I got out of bed and kept moving: Mom needed me. However, I didn’t even talk about my feeling to anyone else. When people would ask me how we were doing or if we had lost a lot of things, I would force a smile and say we were doing fine, and we didn’t really lose very much, so we were blessed. But inside, I was hurting, crying, and wondering if I would ever laugh again. I would secretly say to myself, “If this is what ‘blessed’ feels like, I don’t think I want it!” I had never been so physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted in my life, but that was a turning point in my relationship with Christ. Although I didn’t talk about what I was going through with anyone else, I was completely honest with God. Up until then, I don’t think I was really honest with God about my feelings, which is silly because He knows exactly what I’m thinking or feeling anyway. Somehow, I thought that if I told God that life was hard, and I was hurting, I would be rebelling against Him, or I would make Him mad. Through the experience of the fire, I started understanding that God wants us to bring everything to Him, and even if we come to Him upset, hurt, or angry, that’s okay, because He’s God and He can handle it. So that’s what I did; I came to Him, and told Him how much it hurt that I didn’t have a home, that I had to go through this pain, that I felt so alone. Everyday… multiple times a day. And I discovered that He welcomed me with open arms. God loves it when His children trust Him enough to tell Him what they are feeling. After that experience, He also started working on me to be honest with others. I’m not a very open person; over the years I had become very good at hiding my feelings and stuffing them all down inside, but I’m trying to get better about being open and sharing with people.

Here’s what I wrote in my journal one month after the fire:
· I feel at least two years older
· I have felt a sense of confusion, loss, hopelessness, pain, despair, agony, and loneliness that I have not felt before
· I have realized how temporal and meaningless “stuff” is
· I have longed for heaven and a house that can’t be destroyed
· I have grown even closer to Jesus and learned to trust Him in a new way
· I have learned that it is possible to sleep standing up!!


Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you: But rejoice, inasmuch as ye are partakers of Christ’s sufferings; that, when his glory shall be revealed, ye may be glad also with exceeding joy.

~1 Peter 4:12